GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
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I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
These 3D printers are insane!
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.