GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
You Might Also Like
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”