GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
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hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
this isn’t threatening at all
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.