Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
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Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
notice
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
back to work
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.