GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am

Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking

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Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.


It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.


[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”


My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.


*Food hits floor*

Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”

King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”


[first day in the crime lab]

me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists


[spelling bee]

Teacher: your word is forwards

Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one


Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.


I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!


[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘condescending’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can. Can YOU?