GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
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You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.