gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
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The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.