Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
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I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..