GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
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[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
estão todos miauvindo?
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Worst bar ever.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot