GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
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whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
decorating my apartment
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.