GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
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i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Are you a robot? Select all images with weak points in humanity’s defenses.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”