ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
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Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
My therapist after every session
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.