@iAmJuddy Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
@twelveyearsold ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
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@iAmJuddy 
@TheToddWilliams [job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
@liljonlovitz WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
@marinhubka “I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
@_Mo_lee_ Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
@causticbob goldfish mafia
@kivtur To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
@martyntanton My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
@capnwatsisname How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
@amydillon My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.