@twelveyearsold

ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*

You Might Also Like

@iAmJuddy

Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:

Have you ever seen a dead body?

*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*

@TheToddWilliams

[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*

@liljonlovitz

WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft

@marinhubka

“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*

@_Mo_lee_

Daughter: You’re invading my personal space

Mom: You came out of my personal space

@kivtur

To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.

@martyntanton

My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”

I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”

@amydillon

My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.