Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
You Might Also Like
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
This kinda thing happens to me often
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.