[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
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Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
choose your fighter
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match