[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
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“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
I love twitter
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Simple enough.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Maths meets science
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?