Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
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911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
I forgot how to panic. Help
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.