Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
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Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.