Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
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Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
me making someone eat a chip with my mind