Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
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ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting