*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
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“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.