@oldfriend99

Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store

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@ThugRaccoons

Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive

Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality

@PunLovinLad

The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard

@jackiembouvier

I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.

@Reverend_Scott

The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
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@heymonroe

Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.

@lovejulieacafe

I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.

I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.

@petemandik

Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.

@daemonic3

WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers

ME:

WIFE:

ME:

WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers

@bobvulfov

absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys