Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
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is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.