GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
You Might Also Like
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Worst perfume name ever.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
I think about this a lot
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Hotels are back
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm