Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
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“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’