Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
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my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit