Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
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She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”