Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
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people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Me too door. Me too.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.