Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
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wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
There are usually two types of merchants.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.