ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
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Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
This was the best day of my life
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?