Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.

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At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.


rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants


So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?


if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet


Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk

The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]


I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.


me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do


Her: you ever done hot yoga?

*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*

Pretty sure


you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.


Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.