@DamonHunzeker

Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.

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@Darlainky

At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.

@IamEnidColeslaw

rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants

@LuckoftheDraw86

So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?

@clichedout

if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet

@dad_chips

Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk

The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]

@Book_Krazy

I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.

@leyawn

me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do

@TheAlexP

Her: you ever done hot yoga?

*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*

Pretty sure

@ch000ch

you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.

@topaz_kell

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.