Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
You Might Also Like
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.