Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
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I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.