[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
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-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Attention fat vegans:
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
“Theirye’re” problem solved
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah