@ConanOBrien

Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”

You Might Also Like

@BoothysTweets

[fans out the deck]

Pick a card, any card..

Memorize it..

[hits you in the face with a shovel]

KING OF SPADES!

[walks off]

@the_paramedicK

“Avocado Kedavra”

-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole

@MartinPilgrim1

Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.

@goodhairperson

Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.

@Cornjerker78

Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?

Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…

@Thynebear

*pulls away from kissing*

batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?

@AnkCoupleTO

[skating together on a frozen pond]

Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah