Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”

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[fans out the deck]

Pick a card, any card..

Memorize it..

[hits you in the face with a shovel]


[walks off]


“Avocado Kedavra”

-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole


Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.


Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.


Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?

Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…


*pulls away from kissing*

batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?


[skating together on a frozen pond]

Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah