Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
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[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.