Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”

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I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.


So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.


[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”


If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.


[swimming pool]

Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?

Lifeguard: that’s impossible

Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable


I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.


[Emergency Room]

MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?

DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy


Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”

Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”


church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-

[the ghostbusters barge in]

church choir, nervously: -oooats

[ghostbusters slowly back out]


My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.