Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
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I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
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My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.