gimma back my stick frost man… 馃槚鈽冿笍
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I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Interviewer: Let鈥檚 start with a simple question; what鈥檚 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You鈥檙e hired!
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Me: I鈥檓 not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
馃摴 absolute_kaos1 | IG
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
mood
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
I鈥檓 not saying I鈥檓 a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn鈥檛 make it.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
literally writing this tweet because my dad鈥檚 gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn鈥檛 take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.