gimma back my stick frost man… 馃槚鈽冿笍
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me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
I didn’t realize that was an option
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That鈥檚 not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 馃槀
To the max.. 馃槀
Sound on
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Don鈥檛 you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That鈥檚 why I do it.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs