Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
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The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.