Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
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“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
My Sentiments Exactly
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?