Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
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I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.