*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
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Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl