*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
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It has been 3 years since Monday.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.