[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
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[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
real
Hello, my name is Pierre.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
japanese corn
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be