Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
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It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
#MeanwhileInCanada
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.