[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
You Might Also Like
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
So the ex texted me
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?