Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
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Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
#Caturday
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.