Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
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of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
They got Raph!
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.