Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
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ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.