Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
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It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”