Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
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SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Sharon I have some bad news
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
the Monday after daylight savings
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.