Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
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God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.