Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
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the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.