if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
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A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”