Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
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Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
checking out some reviews of my local library
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore